As we all know, in movies there is the hero and the villain. We always hear the praise on how awesome Superman is for saving the world, or how bad ass batman’s costume is, or how big of a closet homosexual Aquaman is…but rarely do we look for these traits in the villains. And quite frankly I don’t plan to find them. I’m here to tell you who the worst movie villains of all time are. The complete failures. The little bitches. The just plain retarded. These are the men and women that facilitatr.com look to honor. I will judge these villains in 3 areas: 1. Costume, 2. Plan, 3. How badly they got their ass kicked by the hero. So now sit back and enjoy the best of the worst of the evil in the movies.5. Mothra
I know, I know. Mothra was a “good guy.” Well I argue anyone that helps saves the lives of that many idiot asians is clearly a villain.
So first, Mothra’s “costume.” IT WAS A FUCKING MOTH. Thats all there is to say. Please someone tell me how a goddamn moth, beat Godzilla. It makes no sense. It may have been able to defeat a Black Sabbath shirt that your dad left in the attic from the 70’s, but there is no way it could have been a huge dragon. Second, the plan for Mothra was to save as many asians as possible. That just a terrible plan. My question is where was Charizard? There is no doubt in my mind Charizard would have done a better job than fucking Mothra. So yes I know Mothra won, but in my mind Godzilla just tore off it’s wings then proceded to stick his big dragon dick into Mothra’s tight ass hole. And there is nothing worse than that. Mothra is pointless and in my mind got one of the worst ass-kickings that I can remember.
4. Zed
For those of you unfamiliar with Zed, I implore you to watch or re-watch Pulp Fiction. Zed is the man who takes Bruce Willis and Ving Rhames hostage and procedes to tie them up. He then decides he would like to butt-rape one of them. That is the gist of Zed. That and he owns a motorcycle and has his own personal gimp. Zed’s favorite costume seems to be the one where his pants are down. This is fine and dandy except for his huge boner for men that was hiding under those slacks. Sure this may be appealing to Ian, but no one else wants this. His plan was to butt-rape a large black man, then do the same to a boxer. Anytime gay sex is involved in a villains plan, it automatically makes it to this list. And if we are talking about ass-kickings, this one cannot be excluded from the Top 5. First off, the gimp is hanged, second Bruce Willis cuts up his little friend with a katana, THEN this fucker gets shot in the cock with a shotgun by a large black man. Unfortunately for us, we never got to see the extent of how badly this fool was beaten. Congratulations! You made the list for butt-raping.
3. Bullseye
Bullseye was the villain from the 2003 smash hit Dare-Devil featuring everyone’s favorite Ben Affleck. We could go on forever how bad of a superhero Dare-Devil was, but Bullseye makes this list for being the villain to such a bad superhero. His costume consists of a cape and being bald. What a faggot. The plan to kill A FUCKING BLIND GUY. How hard can that be? Honestly. Gimme a stick and I’m sure I could get the job done. And I won’t lie to you, I never saw the movie, but assume anyone who fights a blind guy is a huge pussy. Plus the actor has my name and I don’t approve of it. And how he got beat down? Fuck if I know, I never watched it. But I’m assuming he gets killed by a BLIND GUY. Jesus Christ, this guy is truly one of the worst villains ever.
2. Team Rocket
So we all know that their song and their stupid cat and their ambiguous relationship. And that they were in the Pokemon movie, or so I think (again a movie I never saw). So I’ll say they are the bad guys even though I believe Mewtwo is, but quite frankly, Mewtwo is a G no doubt. Team Rocket…not so much. My first problem with them is their song. On the T.V. show we heard it at least once an episode, just so they could get a fucking Pikachu. NEWSFLASH: PIKACHU IS NOT THE BEST FUCKING POKEMON. In the game getting a legendary pokemon is easy as pie. Why don’t they ask their rich ass boss for one of those Master Balls that can catch anything? Sorry for the tangent. So first off, their costumes. One word. Tacky. It’s true. Matching isn’t that impressive especially when your costumes are so lackluster. Jesse and James, please get better outfits. Jesse, lets see some of that ass. James, wear a cape, it usually makes people cooler. Or more of an asshole. Either way. Do it. We all know the plan, capture Pikachu which will magically make you able to rule the world. That is such a bad idea it’s not even funny. Throw a Geodude at it and hes fucked. And they have had their asses kicked in so many ways its ridiculous. The one commendable aspect of their operation is the resiliency they display. Ass-kicking after ass-kicking. They keep coming back for more. But that is not nearly enough to save them. Even worse, they aren’t even shitty enough to make #1. Good Job Team Rocket!
1. Sauron
I know Doug is shitting his pants because of this. “But Coco Sauron was teh most 1337 villain ever! LOLZ!!11!1!ELEVEN!1!” I know Doug, I know. It is true. Sauron did control a massive army. And almost brought middle-earth to it’s knees, but the bottom line is he is a floating eye. Yeah maybe back in the day he was strong and killed everyone, but some bitch who was dying killed him by cutting off his fingers. If you’re weakness is your ring, why not give yourself a Prince Albert. It would be harder to find at least. His costume was shitty, I mean seriously he was a flying eye. Yup. A flying eye. He didn’t move. He just sat there, hoping that a bird didn’t run into him causing him permanent retina damage. The plan reveals that he may be a closet homosexual. The plan: Get a pretty ring. Thats all he wanted, some jewelry. My mom was impressed by it. She wishes she had a ring that nice. So Sauron, are you comfortable with being compared to my mother? She makes good cookies, but not a good villain. Next to Zed, this ranks up there on the scale of homosexual plans. And finally, the manner in which he was defeated. Elijah Wood, Frodo Baggins, The Hobbit or midget, depends on your point of view, defeated this all-powerful fuck. All I need to do is drop this gay ass ring into a volcano and the floating eye disappears. If Ben Stein had dropped some Clear Eyes into that eye it would have been a more respectable death. In my opinion, this villain is far too overrated. He’s not one of the best. He’s the worst. Ever. For being such a bitch, you earn the top spot Sauron. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE THE WORST EVER!
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