Most movies blow ass, or are extremely over-rated, like LOTR and Star Wars. Chick flicks is the only genre that comes close to being a good one. I have spent years and years compiling a list of good movie qualities and aspects, and the movie that incorporates all of these will be indestructible.
1.) Death: Violent or not (although violent is obviously better), death drastically enhances the depth and quality of a movie. The bad guy dying is all fun and games, and a bit cliche, but a good guy dying makes a movie that much better. Who didn’t cry when Gandalf and Boromir died in FOTR? I know I did, and it’s not just because those characters kick more ass than Captain Falcon (wait, never mind, no one does. Research mistake.) A character doesn’t have to die in the movie either; a serious death can be referred to. I hope I die someday so I can be that epic.
2.)Tits: Self-explanatory. Those things are just good. A good rack thrown in randomly (Airplane style) can make a great movie even better. Shaking welcome. Warning: Small tits not welcome. If you are going to go through the effort of having knockers, at least make them big.
3.) Actions/Explosions: Some movies go way overboard on this, thus giving action movies a bad name. However, in the right amount and application, like the whole movie, violence and destruction amplify a movies strength exponentially. Good story? Obsolete if you throw in enough exploding shit. Especially people. What good movie doesn’t have some asshole exploding? Answer: None.
4.) Black people: Oh, wait. This isn’t “Keys to a Good Agricultural Society.” Woopsie!
5.) Monsters: Any large, scary, or disgusting non-human creature is key in a good movie. Trolls, dragons, rancors, Sardukar (humanity debatable), manbearpigs, dinosaurs, sea monsters: all incredibly awesome. And if they kill a ton of people/buildings (yes, buildings are now mortal), then all the better.
6.) A non-existent or diminished love story: Love in movies is so overdone and cliche that I might start liking minorities if they release another movie about love. The best movies either have a small, diminished love story, or not one at all. Saving Private Ryan: The only women in the entire movie are secretaries, or the dude’s mom. And they just take orders or cry. Lord of the Rings: No love story in the book. Jackson added a small one which was actually pretty decent because it wasn’t overdone. Star Wars: Not going to count the first three episodes, because they are shit. In the good ones (3-6), the only love story is the sarcastic, unimportant one between Han and the Princess. And it doesn’t even matter they like each other, because they still kill a ton of Storm Troopers. James Bond: Yeah, the last one had a pretty important love story. But in the rest, Bond’s policy is strictly Bang N’ Bolt. Most of the time, he doesn’t even know the chick’s fucking name.
7.) John Williams: Best composer ever. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Patriot, Jurassic Park, Saving Private Ryan, Jaws. Fuck, this guy rocks. Howard Shore comes close, but that’s pretty much it.
Well, that’s it, for now. Have all those in a movie, it’s nigh incomparable. I might add more, if I can think of anything.
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