A young boy named Tom was sitting as his computer chatting with his buddies on AIM. He was talking to Sarah, the girl he currently had a crush on and was starting to get into intimate subjects with her. He accidentally closed the window, brought up his Buddy List and then it happened. BAM! CRASH! SHITTY MUSIC! Out of nowhere a crappy sound blasted from his 10-inch speakers. His woofer demolished his ear drums, leaving him on his floor, bleeding from the ears, crying for help. Tom is now dead and his murderer is still wandering the internet, waiting to kill. He’s named…Jamster.
picture courtesy of http://www.mongrel.ie/images/jamster.gif
This company started a few years back with my friend up top. As they call him “the annoying thing.” When I first saw this commercial I thought to myself, why would anyone in the right mind pay for a ring tone called “the annoying thing?” A few days later, I find out a few people I know have downloaded this ring tone. Their defense? It’s funny. Later that day Steve Buttfuck and Ryan Retarded were found dead in a bowl of oatmeal. Jamster then evolved by letting people download actual music, unfortunately for us the top ring tones on their website are: 1. “Don’t Matter” by Akon, 2. “I’m a Flirt Remix” by R. Kelly, 3. “Walk it Out” by DJ UNK, 4. “You” by Lloyd, 5. “Throw Some D’s” by Rich Boy. In 5 years, we will look back and only be able to remember one name on this list, that being R. Kelly, more because he peed on a girl, than because he had good music.
When I was in Spain over the summer, the only TV channel I could understand was German MTV (no idea why it was in Spain) because they played music videos in English. And wouldn’t you know, every single commercial was for Jamster, but not just annoying ringtones, but for porn. Yeah thats nice to have on your computer, but who is the asshole who prefers to use his little cellphone screen to see a picture of a naked girl (or guy). Furthermore, this asshole is probably showing it to his friends who either: are huge assholes like himself, or think hes is a huge tool. This person is indeed, a huge tool. Fuck him.
Now Jamster if you’re reading this (you’re not), please listen to me. Stop putting out commercials. Stop attacking me with shitty music when I scroll over my Buddy List. Just stop. You’re an embarrassment to human kind. The only way you can make money is by preying on the borderline-retarded of society. For shame Jamster, for shame. What you do is worse than Bro-Rape. And that is low. So please, quit selling your shit. With all the money that you’ve now made maybe you can buy yourself a house, a new car, get yourself some hot young slut who only wants you for the money, and sit back and relax. Don’t you think you’ve wreaked enough havoc as it is?
If you refuse to stop your domination of the idiotic, please do this one thing for me. Provide quality. Lets hear some good music, some Chuck Berry, Jimi Hendrix, Neil Diamond, Santana, Elton John, Tupac…fuck even Weird Al is better than some of the things you are putting out right now. Or if you choose to put out the same artists can I at LEAST get the Remix to Ignition? No? Well fuck. I know it might take some effort to get rights for these songs, but fuck, you owe it to us. You’ve put me through hell, and I demand satisfaction. So Jamster, so help me God, you better straighten up or end your business. If you don’t I will beat the shit out of every single employee using a spork. Yeah, thats right. You don’t even get the dignity of being destroyed by a real utensil. Now you’ll have to excuse me I think I heard “the annoying thing” next door and plan to shove my foot up someone’s ass.
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I have never interacted with this Jamster, but now I know they are the spawn of everything evil. And yeah, the Remix to Ignition would be nice.
Hey! I know Steve Buttfuck and he is a good guy. Nah, I feel for ya. Jamster can lick my hott teen ass.