I thought being a good person and friend would eventually earn me some respect or even the slightest bit of adoration from those I consider worth interacting with. However, new data has been presented to me, and I am now fully aware of the simple steps to near-deification. Apparently, if you follow this theory, you will be a great person:
1. Drink a ton of alcohol: I had initially thought the consumption of alcohol was purely (or at least mostly) recreational. However, the youth of today have proven me wrong. It’s not necessarily based on “social acceptance,” but more of “friend-impressing.” Statements such as “Man, I’m SOOO wasted,” and “I can’t believe how cool I am for being drunk” (Ok, I made up the latter) have come to exemplify every intoxicated person I’ve come across. We know you’re drunk asshole, and we also acknowledge that you are incredibly fun/crazy and will now be venerated without question.
2. There, I put in a 2. Fuck off assholes.
3. Smoke weed: I can only aspire to one day ascend to the level of perfection stoners inhabit. Although I’ll never quite understand why spending incredible amounts of money on this is justifiable, I suppose the “coolness” factor is way up there on this one. Smoking weed heightens your cognizance and intelligence to near super-human level, scientific research states. Maybe that is why people are so inherently great for doing it.
4. Have sex with tons of chicks: This is the big one. If you want to enhance your social status, and be highly revered, I suggest that you do this. Nothing promotes masculinity, personal quality, and integrity like intense promiscuity. Nothing. Charity? Nope. Being a good, reliable person and friend? Absolutely not. And doing it isn’t enough. You must brag about it to all your friends and remote acquaintances. Then, everyone will know about it, and think incomparably highly of you. Good choice man. That STD was worth it.
5. Wear Abercromie, American Eagle, and Hollister clothes: Torn jeans? I really wish I could have a pair of those 120 dollar epitomes of cool. This also aids in number 3, because the inhibitions of girls are all but rendered helpless against some chilled-out bro wearing faded, torn jeans with a popped-collar polo shirt.
6. Don’t ever play video games: Video games are for losers and geeks and guys that don’t like girls. You are a total dickhead and social outcast if you even have a video game system. Unless it’s for sports games or GTA, in which case you are a very original and fun loving person.
You’d be a fool not to follow this guideline to the top. I have stuck to it zealously, and just ask around the Gonq or LUC to find out how awesome I am.
Popularity: 11% [?]
No related posts.
Yeah bra you gotta hit that shit man. Fucking ass and blat blat.
doug is the coolest cuz he pwnz 1337 chicks in teh bedroom while wearing a polo shirt and drinking a brewskie and smokin the reefer oooooohhhh yeahhhhh
I’m going to write an article on how I became so fucking awesome.