In honor of finals, I will write a post completely unrelated to them. I say fuck finals. Fuck them hard. In their tight virgin assholes. Unfortunately, when you attempt to do this they knock you out with a Maglite and then you wake up to find your asshole torn apart bleeding and a note that says “Love you always, Finals <3″ And yes Finals actually put in the less than sign and then 3. What a douchebag. Finals suck and I see no need for them. But here are some things that I find essential to my survival. (Perfect segue anyone?)
11. BoysAs most of the world would agree, boys are the shit. They are perfect in every way. Doug is probably the biggest advocate of boys that I know and has the most experience with them. He is an expert of them from head to toe (and dong). His quote that exemplifies how important boys are is “Boys are like waffles, you like to jack off on them and then eat them. And if you don’t eat them you shove them up your butt.” Amen to that Doug.
10. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
This show is fucking amazing. I’m sure it’s even more entertaining if you are a stoner, but either way its amazing. Meatwad, Master Shake, Carl and Frylock may be the strongest cast ever assembled for a single show. The Dickesode is probably the best episode ever. “You don’t think they’re…dickin’ around over there, do ya? No, they’re professional dick-hunters…they crave dick…as we all do.” How fantastic. I recently saw the movie which was fantastic, but I am even more pleased with the ATHFCMFFT Soundtrack that I just download. Carl’s Theme may be my favorite song ever. Everyone who I tell to watch this show says it sucks, then fall in love with it. Plutonians are teh suck.
9. Assholes who play online games religiously
From Leroy Jenkins to the asshole when I was playing Counter-Strike. These people make my life that much better. Hearing their stupid saying like “Don’t be mad cuz i’m 1337 lolz!” “ROFLCOPTERLOLERCOST!!1!” and “STFU n00B!!ONE!!” They are endlessly entertaining. Hearing little kids talk trash is just hilarious. Hearing 45 year old men who have yet to get laid talk about how you should have listened to him and flanked instead of sitting back and sniping makes me feel better about my life better. Knowing that even though I am a loser, I will never be able to match these people in how pathetic they are. You raise my self-esteem assholes who play online games religiously, and for that, I salute you.
8. Guitar Hero
Yeah this one is probably going to get a wag of the finger from some people (DOUG), but when a game can make you feel like you’re actually playing guitar to some of your favorite songs, that is just good. Sure a real guitar has 6 strings and around 17 frets, sure there are way more notes on a guitar then on the Guitar Hero guitar, but who gives a shit. It’s fun. Trying to play Psychobilly Freakout on Expert and then having your eyes bleed after you finally pass it is a good feeling. Being able to play Freebird perfectly is awesome, because if you are playing this game, you have absolutely no chance at actually playing it. It is a fun, innovative game which I find more entertaining than Rick Moranis in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
7. Bob Dole
Bob Dole is in my opinion the GOAT, which stands for Greatest Of All-Time. You may be wondering the GOAT of what? And my response to you is go fuck yourself. Speaking in the third person was what first put him on the radar. Then proceeding to appear in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears shortly after the world found out about his ED problem moved him up higher. Then me finding a video of him just falling on his face added to that. And then realizing if he had been elected President, we would all have a 9 o’clock curfew, be forced to put plastic coverings on all of our furniture, “Old-People Smell” would have been made a new and mandatory deodorant for all and have Washington D.C. relocated to Florida so he could be with more people his age made him the GOAT. I just wish I could be as accomplished as this man when I’m his age (approx. 2193 years old).
6. Meatspin and Goatse
Three words, Simply the Best.
5. The B-52’s Immortal Hit, Rock Lobster
“We were at a party
His ear lobe fell in the deep
Someone reached in and grabbed it
It was a rock lobster
Rock Lobster!!!
Rock Lobster!!!
We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn’t a rock
It was a rock lobster
Rock Lobster!!!
((High Pitched)) Rock Lobster!!!”
Get the fuck out of here B-52’s, this song completes my life.
4. The Internet
Oh the internet, what would I do without you? Where would I find out how the Red Sox are doing? Or order a pizza because I’m too fucking lazy to do it on the phone? Where would I find out the weather for the next week whenever the fuck I wanted to? Where would I look at naked women when I get bored? Where would I download music for my listening pleasure? Where would I stalk people that I kind of know and think are attractive on facebook? Where would I be able to write posts about random shit because I have nothing better to do? Nowhere. Thats where. This may be the greatest invention ever. That or porn. It’s a coin toss.
3. Tucker Max
This guy is my fucking idol, which probably isn’t a good thing. Incredibly promiscuous with women, a borderline alcoholic and a comedic writer, what more could you aspire to be? As a faux-writer and college student, his stories are more like goals for me. I want to be able to tell stories of how I drank so much I blew a .220 on a breathalyzer. I want to tell stories of how I made fun of a dumb girl at the bar and she later slept with me. I want to tell stories of sexual escapades, vomit, gambling, drinking, in-n-out, bars, hilarious friends, and meeting funny as shit random people. If you, as a heterosexual male, do not want to be this guy, you are either A) a pussy, B) a guy who doesn’t want STD’s or c) a flaming homosexual. And you don’t look like a guy who doesn’t want STD’s to me.
2. In-n-Out
This is the best fast food hamburger you will ever eat in your life. Go fuck yourself White Castle, your shitty little burgers taste like ass hole. Same with you McDonald’s and Burger King. Carl’s Jr, Wendy’s and Jack-in-the-Box are all better but none can match the deliciousness of a Double-Double. These burgers are made right when you order them and that meat hasn’t been frozen, the potatoes are fresh and you’re a piece of shit if you don’t like their shakes. All you midwesterners? are missing out. I suggest you fly to California and get your hands on one of these burgers as fast as possible. Don’t bother arguing this one ever. All other fast food is shit compared to In-N-Out.
1. Alcohol
Oh yes, you didn’t think my friend Liquid Courage would be absent from this list did you? I don’t care if you don’t drink, don’t tell me being around drunk people isn’t fucking hilarious. Not only does alcohol make you feel fantastic, it makes women look fantastic! Before drinking she may look a little chubby and have a face like a pig, but after 6 or 13 drinks she is starting to look more and more like Jessica Alba. As a great man named Uncle Mike once said, “You should never go to sleep with an ugly chick, just wake up with one.” Truly words of wisdom. Not only does alcohol make women look better, it makes for great stories and quotes. Each year since I have been drinking, the best stories are the ones that some how deal with alcohol. Parties always have great moments that are cause by drinking, my friend Dan’s House: IV comes to mind. Vomit: Everywhere. Chairs, tables, stools: Broken then repaired before his parents returned. Retard Girl: Attempted to hook up with everyone by saying “Wiwl yewww make owwttt wifff meeeee???” Hook-ups: Everywhere. Alcohol: Completely Gone. Alcohol you are a good friend of mine and I promise I won’t let our special bond go. Ever.
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