Being the classy, stylish, important website that facilitatr.com is, I was sent to Florida for my Easter break to interview a member to the 2007 National Champion Florida Gator Teams. I was hoping I would get the chance to interview the MOP of the tournament Corey Brewer. But my boss (Adrian) set me up with an interview with the person I hate more than anyone else right now, Joakim Noah.
Arriving in wherever the hell the University of Florida is one day early I decided to acclimate myself with the area. I met some students who pointed me out to the popular food joints and hang-outs of the students. I was dissappointed to find out the most popular place was the local retirement home. Although, those old people can party harder than you think. After having a few forgetable drunk hook-ups at the retirement home I stumbled back to my Motel 6 and called it a night. I woke up to find my wallet had been emptied, my snacks had been eaten, and my clothes had been stolen. The only thing that left me a clue as to who had done this to me was the shirt that they left that read, “I was robbed in Florida by Cubans and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” I disagree with the shirt though, it was in no way lousy.
So I put on my newly acquired shirt and headed over to U of F. I had set up my interview to take place in a bathroom that was rarely used, but Joakim felt his room was a better location. My plan to assassinate him had been foiled, but as a reputable journalist I pushed on. Entering Joakim’s room I expected to find many posters of men, gay porn and big black dildos everywhere. I was shocked to find none of these. His room consisted of a yoga pad, a poster of fitness celebrity Jon Basedow, a DVD of Dragon Ball Z, and an empty bucket of Popeye’s Chicken. As he sat on the yoga pad, praising whatever bizarre god he worships I started my interview.
Coco – So Joakim, mind if I call you Joa?
Joakim – Yes I do actually, I would appreciate if you were to call me by my full name.
Coco – Ok, Joa, can do. So tell me about your college life.
Joa – It’s Joakim, and college has been a great place for me, I’m blessed that I’ve been give such good opportunites in life to be here and playing basketball.
Coco – Ya, ya. I know all that crap, but seriously, what has your college life REALLY been like?
Joa – Well I’m always busy with basketball and class, so I don’t have much time to go out.
Coco – Sureeeee. Pussy.
Joa – What the fuck did you say?
Coco – I said how did you win the National Championship again?
Joa – Well, it took a lot of hard work, and we used all the hate against us as fuel.
Coco – What do you mean “hate”?
Joa – We had a lot of doubters, no one thought we could win the title again.
Coco – You were preranked #1 in the nation! You were the overall #1 seed in the tournament! You were picked by almost every analyist to win! No one thought Ohio State had a chance against you! No one doubted you.
Joa – Well that may be true, but we used all the hate gathered up to play better.
Coco – …if you say so. So many people think you are, um, I don’t know how to put this gently, the ugliest person alive. What do you think of this?
Joa – Well I know a lot of people hate me because I’m so good, so I try not to think about it.
Coco – Have you ever looked in a mirror?
Joa – Not in the past 5 years, no. Why?
Coco – Let me show you something. (I pull out my pocket mirror and let him see himself.) Now do you understand why people say this?
Joa – Wow. I am really ugly, look at this hair, what the fuck is it’s problem? And my facial hair? It looks like I just glued pubes on my face. God. I am really an asshole.
Coco – Well I’m glad we established that. That is the reason everyone hates you. I suggest you move away to some island and start living with your fellow monkies.
Joa – Where did you say you were from again? ESPN?
Coco – Yeah, something like that. Anyways I took the liberty of buying you a plane ticket to this island of monkies I described, I hope you enjoy throwing feces for the rest of your life.
Joa proceeded to kick me out of his room and filed for a restraining order. I don’t care, I had no interest at the thought of feces being hurled at myself. Besides, the only reason that he doesn’t want me around him is because of all the hate that he has for me. But i’ll show him, i’ll use all of that hate and turn it against him and win. Joa, if you read this (you won’t) I just want to let you know, everyone hates you. Very much. And that Island is real, and if you do ever want to go there, I’ll have your ticket waiting.
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Did you get his autograph? When do i get a special assignment? Fuck Joa.
good work coco, you brought out the parts of joakim that really needed to be seen by the rest of the world. we need more journalists like yourself. i suggest you try one more time with that assasination plan however, because i feel as though with him and adam morrison, this pussy ass pubic facial hair may come into style, and that could jeopardize mankind as we know it
Lmao, another classic article from Coco. Well done. Fuck Joa.