Chair. A word that now strikes fear in the hearts of all that attend a certain Jesuit university located on the north side of Chicago. (Or at least I like to think so). Thankfully I am the one who is to be blamed for this. In the first semester of this year I got into a little scuffle at a party I attended. I decided that it was a good enough story to share with all of those who don’t know about it, although it has been told to roughly everyone and their mother. Enjoy.
It was a Friday night here in Chicago and as a typical college student I was with some other drinking. We were just pregaming before we went to this party so I had about 3 or 4 beers. You know, just to get myself with something inside of me before going to the party and waiting approximately 3 hours to get a drink from the one keg that would be tapped there. Thats the problem with going to a school which doesn’t have that many parties, everyone at the school finds out about one party and goes to it, therefore making it impossible to get drunk there. I digress, so I believe 4 others, Adrian, Nick, Ian and Great White and myself go to this party. I remember Steve had been with us, but he bailed after someone called him. He was really drunk anyways, so more drinking for him would have been a bad idea.
So the rest of us head over to the party to find it packed with bros and hos, ugly ones at that too. The keg was predictably impossible to get to so the group was basically forced to sit around talking to each other and random sluts that pass by. And trust me, there were plenty of random sluts. One girl (REALLY UGLY) started making out with some guy right in front of us, so being the nice guy I am yelled “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” at him as loud as I could. And in return? I get a solid high-five. Awesome. So Ugly Girl then starts talking to us about how she made out with her friend who happens to be a girl (EVEN UGLIER). So being guys, we encourage them to do it again, and because they were intoxicated they obliged. Seeing two ugly girls kiss really isn’t that good, so guys, don’t bother trying to get girls to do it unless they have been drinking and were hot before you started drinking.
So Uglier Girl leaves and proceeds to hook up with some random guy, who now has a case of facial gonorrhea and must live the rest of his life wearing a brown bag. Now Ugly Girl comes over to our group and looks like she wants some action, and being the good friends we are, we challenged her to make out with Ian. Surprisingly she declined the offer, and went trolling for some other hot teen bod. Unfortunately for her anyone with such bod would be repulsed by the fact she resembles a horse. There was one poor soul who may have been suffering from temporary blindness or just has a fetish for huge horse cocks, but he dared to go where too many had gone before.
So now Dumbass is hooking up with Ugly Girl, and because I’m a huge ass hole I do what is in my nature. “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I get a look from the both of them and then they keep going at it. “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Another look, he starts looking slightly annoyed. “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He looks over very pissed and she still looks like a horse. I decide at this time it is probably best if I stop now, and I do. Fortunately for me, Adrian wanted to partake in the festivities and let out a “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” of his own. Now unfortunately for me, Dumbass thinks that it was me so he comes over, punches me in the stomach, shoulder, and then in the mouth. I was in shock at what just happened. This guy actually came over and hit me for cheering when hes hooking up. What a bitch. So I proceed to grab his face and ram him into a wall. Apparently behind him was a girl sitting in a chair who may or may not have sustained injuries such as a broken rib. Whoops. So now he is lying on the floor and apparently some girl is knocked out next to him when it hits me. The chair. The glorious empty chair of destruction and eternal damnation. Or at least thats what I thought it was at the time. So I proceed to pick this chair up and hit Dumbass with it twice, before his huge friend comes over to stop it. The people who own the house come over and wonder what the fuck just happened. And this was probably my favorite part of the whole thing. Dumbass says “He was talking shit.” What a cock sucking mother fucker. We end up leaving afterwards and I thank all my friends for not getting involved because having a WWE Royal Rumble would probably not have gone well for anyone.
I had a nasty looking lip for a few days and have the picture on my phone, if I find out how to get it onto my computer I’ll put it in this story. The next day I saw him in the cafeteria and noticed he had a HUGE bump on his forehead. It was fucking hilarious. All-in-all I would do it again in a heartbeat. For the weeks after, people became dismayed when I was drinking and around chairs, for fear I might kill them with it. And you know what? I am proud to instill a fear like that.
NOTE: Lucky you guys, I just successfully got the picture of my lip onto my computer. In case you didn’t believe it.
Popularity: 13% [?]
No related posts.
Attractive.
Hott teen.
LMAO. YES! Fucked that bitched up!