In high school, you live at home, with your parents, brothers, sisters, dogs, cats, grandparents, child molesters and prostitutes. This is fantastic for you because you get your own room. Unless you share it with a brother, sister or prostitute (which may be a good or bad thing). But in college you are forced to live with someone else, unless you do enough stupid shit that they leave (Scott) or you requested a single. Being a relatively alert student I have noticed that there are many different types of roommates. I will attempt to go over the top 10 roommates you will most likely encounter/piss off.
1. The Sleeping Roommate
This roommate is one who just sleep all day. After you get back from class, he or she is sleeping. After you get back from the bar, he or she is sleeping. After you wake up from sleeping, he or she is still sleeping. This may not seem all that bad, except for the fact you can never make any noise out of fear of waking them up. As I am typing this right now my roommate is sleeping and just gave me a dirty look. I’ll cut him. Fortunately for you this person is too busy sleeping to ever fuck with you or your shit, so the relationship is fairly good, even if you don’t talk at all. If you get this roommate you won’t be too disapointed, but he or she won’t be your life long friend.
2. The Nerd Roommate
If you end up with one of these, I feel bad for you. This person is in the honors program. They have a scholarship riding on the fact that they must maintain a 3.99 GPA each semester otherwise they won’t be able to afford to go there and their parents will kill them. They may have been dreaming about going to your school their entire life (definitely not the case for LUC). Or maybe they don’t have the will or composure to make friends. Either way this person only studies. TV does not exist to them. Music is only to be listened to in the car, or if it is classical, while studying. Videogames are a waste of time to this individual and members of the opposite sex are a waste of time because they’ll only tear out your heart and stomp on it (this means this person is too busy studying to have any people skills and uses this as an excuse). If this is your roommate, I feel bad for you. He scolds you for watching TV until 3 in the morning. He doesn’t think its funny when you fart in his face. And he definitely doesn’t appreciate you peeing/vomiting/making love on his bed. Unless you are a nerd as well, this is not a roommate you want.
3. The Stoner Roommate
There isn’t too much to say about the stoner roommate. At first glance you think, “Hey He/She is a really cool roommate.” Then you find out he/she is so cool because he/she can’t find their feet. The stoner smokes at least once a day, most likely more, then sits around watching adult swim, listening to Sublime, Slightly Stoopid, or Bob Marley, and stares at the wall an awful lot. You may not mind having the stoner roommate. Hell it may be very convenient to your lifestyle. Good for you. It just sucks for you when your parents come to visit and it reeks of pot and they don’t believe it was your roommate, so they stop paying your tuition, you have nothing to do, and you end up living in a van DOWN BY THE RIVER! Thank you Chris Farley. One positive about the stoner: they tend to have lots of snack. One negative: they may eat all your snacks.
4. The Asshole Roommate
The Asshole roommate is very complex, but mostly just an asshole. They mess with your shit, eat your snacks, drink your beer, smoke your pot, report you to the RA for having beer and pot and then sleep with your girlfriend when she comes to visit. There is not a single good thing about the asshole. The asshole may even beat you up daily if you are a 5′5″ 110 lb little bitch of a man. In that case take steroids and proceed to rip him a new asshole. You never really figure out why your roommate is such an asshole. You think its because his Uncle Jeff touched him when he was a little kid, but you can only speculate. Maybe you slept with his mom one time and don’t remember it. Either way this guy is a douche bag and theres not much you can do. I suggest you get a new roommate. If you are a girl and have the asshole roommate, I’m assuming she does much of the same, but also steals your clothes, shoes, makeup, tampons, hangers, boyfriend, makes fun of you behind your back and then acts like it never happened. If you suspect your roommate to be an asshole, get a new one as soon as you can.
5. The Alcoholic Roommate
This roommate lives by the idea drink as much as you can as often as you can. At the beginning this roommate seems cool, fun loving, knows where all the parties are and whatnot. So you don’t mind the drinking on a Tuesday morning. You soon realize that this person puking all over your room then sleeping in it isn’t as funny the 18th time around. You’ve been written up twice because your roommate won’t shut the fuck up when you and your friends are playing beer pong in your room. Your roommate drinks at least 5 times a week and gets shit-faced each time. You have to clean up each time this person pisses the floor because they’re too drunk to do it. This person does let you drink their alcohol, so you tend to put up with their shit. When the end of the year comes around you are glad to be leaving this person so that you can sleep for more than 4 hours at a time and don’t wake up to the smell of piss, vomit and shitty beer. This person is a double-edged roommate. Be cautious when dealing with one.
6. The Fake Roommate
This roommate acts like he or she really likes you. They complement you on things all the time and are very appreciative you “changed the toilet paper.” In reality all this person does is bitch about you to his or her friends. They make fun of your pants, your desk set up, the photos of your friends, the TV shows you watch and the music you listen to. This person says you two should go party sometime, but tend to always be busy when you suggest it. You never say anything bad about them, but they talk shit about you without you ever knowing. Unfortunately for them, you will most likely encounter a mutual friend who proceeds to tell you about all the trash talking going on. You approach your roommate and they deny every claim. A week later they leave your room and move down the hall. It’s very awkward whenever you see this person, but you now have a single and don’t give a shit about him or her because they hooked up with a transvestite last weekend and have pictures to prove it. They won’t be doing anymore shit talking. This roommate turns out to be better than they seem, unless you are a pussy and get hurt by someone saying mean things.
7. The Idiot Roommate
If you get this roommate you are luckier than it seems. Sure your roomie doesn’t know how to work the a/c in your dorm, or can’t change the toilet paper rolls, or wears your underwear because he thought they were his. But he or she is a good person. They try to be a good roommate, don’t try to fuck with your shit, they just do, because having half as many braincells as the average person will do this to you. You are never quite sure how this person got into a 4-year university or how this person is still alive. The activities of this person usually involve playing in the street, playing catch the brick, reading “Breathing for Dummies,” and eating cheese out of a can. There are times when you will get fed up with how dumb this person is, which is completely understandable, but just try to remember your roommate could always have a name that consists of two vowels and a consonant. And we all know that is way worse.
8. The Loser Roommate
This roommate tends to sit around all day watching relatively crappy TV shows all day, playing Halo online, or watches YouTube. This person never goes out. Literally, Halo is more important than class to this person. Studying is put on hold if Scrubs is on. Going to party won’t happen if a person just found out about that goddamn “Shoes” video. This person rarely talks to you unless they are trying to explain a video they watched, or a sweet kill they got while playing Halo. There isn’t anything good to this roommate. You bring a girl over and he just sits around playing Halo. He offers her a chance to play and she then kills 20 people next round. He proceeds to get pissed off at you for bringing her over, and she leaves out of fear. Great, that was the only ass I could get for a month. Thanks a lot, loser roommate. This roommate tells you about all the cool shit he did back home and how he got with so many girls, and yet he has done nothing at college that would make you believe these statements. You have a sneaking suspicion he has never gotten with a girl even though he has had roughly 34 ex-girlfriends. He tells you he has done half of all known drugs. And claims to have beaten Super Mario Bros. 2 in 7 minutes. You soon get sick of his shit and start calling him out on everything. He then gets angry and breaks your shit, but replaces it for fear you, his only “friend” won’t talk to him anymore. Fuck this guy.
9. The “Pimp” Roommate
This guy gets a lot of girls. In high school you got with 2 girls at a party and thought you were the shit. This guy has sex with 2 girls at the same time at least 3 times a day. A new girl is in your room every night, and you see that tie on your door knob whenever you get back from the library. Out of fear of walking in on him you choose to sleep in the lounge rather than risk a trip to your room. You envy him. He has boyish good looks, six-pack abs, lots of money, a small penis, but still LOTS OF MONEY. You don’t mind living with him though. When you go to parties together you wingman for him and seem to get plenty of ass doing it, so you never complain about sleeping on a table. Everything is going well until that one day you notice love stains all over your bed, your clothes, your books, your Gamecube and your big black dildo. He claims he just spilled some orange juice, but you know the truth. You get back at him by hooking him up with a girl you know has herpes. So now every time he has an outbreak, he remembers he shouldn’t have fucked with your shit…literally.
10. The Perfect Roommate
This roommate seems like a myth to me, but I have heard it exists. This person genuinely like you and has many of the same interests as yourself. You go out to parties all the time, get high and watch Harold and Kumar: Go To White Castle, you watch 24 together every week and you eat dinner together every night. There is not a single flaw in this person. He or She will always let you get with that member of the opposite sex he or she likes because, fuck, they’re good like that. He or she gets you a birthday present that is better than what your parents got you (Although they just gave you a rolling backpack. Come on honestly, a rolling backpack? In college? Goddamnit). You room with this person every year you’re in college and even get an apartment with them after you graduate. They take you on a trip to Europe where you meet the girl you marry a few years later. This person becomes your best man/brides maid. They toast you at the reception and you do likewise for them. I’ve been told these people exist, but haven’t seen one myself. If you are lucky enough to get this person, FUCK YOU.
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I think I’m the Perfect Room-mate. For making out, that is.
With boys.