In high school, you live at home, with your parents, brothers, sisters, dogs, cats, grandparents, child molesters and prostitutes. This is fantastic for you because you get your own room. Unless you share it with a brother, sister or prostitute (which may be a good or bad thing). But in college you are forced to live with someone else, unless you do enough stupid shit that they leave (Scott) or you requested a single. Being a relatively alert student I have noticed that there are many different types of roommates. I will attempt to go over the top 10 roommates you will most likely encounter/piss off.

1. The Sleeping Roommate

This roommate is one who just sleep all day. After you get back from class, he or she is sleeping. After you get back from the bar, he or she is sleeping. After you wake up from sleeping, he or she is still sleeping. This may not seem all that bad, except for the fact you can never make any noise out of fear of waking them up. As I am typing this right now my roommate is sleeping and just gave me a dirty look. I’ll cut him. Fortunately for you this person is too busy sleeping to ever fuck with you or your shit, so the relationship is fairly good, even if you don’t talk at all. If you get this roommate you won’t be too disapointed, but he or she won’t be your life long friend.

2. The Nerd Roommate

If you end up with one of these, I feel bad for you. This person is in the honors program. They have a scholarship riding on the fact that they must maintain a 3.99 GPA each semester otherwise they won’t be able to afford to go there and their parents will kill them. They may have been dreaming about going to your school their entire life (definitely not the case for LUC). Or maybe they don’t have the will or composure to make friends. Either way this person only studies. TV does not exist to them. Music is only to be listened to in the car, or if it is classical, while studying. Videogames are a waste of time to this individual and members of the opposite sex are a waste of time because they’ll only tear out your heart and stomp on it (this means this person is too busy studying to have any people skills and uses this as an excuse). If this is your roommate, I feel bad for you. He scolds you for watching TV until 3 in the morning. He doesn’t think its funny when you fart in his face. And he definitely doesn’t appreciate you peeing/vomiting/making love on his bed. Unless you are a nerd as well, this is not a roommate you want.

3. The Stoner Roommate

There isn’t too much to say about the stoner roommate. At first glance you think, “Hey He/She is a really cool roommate.” Then you find out he/she is so cool because he/she can’t find their feet. The stoner smokes at least once a day, most likely more, then sits around watching adult swim, listening to Sublime, Slightly Stoopid, or Bob Marley, and stares at the wall an awful lot. You may not mind having the stoner roommate. Hell it may be very convenient to your lifestyle. Good for you. It just sucks for you when your parents come to visit and it reeks of pot and they don’t believe it was your roommate, so they stop paying your tuition, you have nothing to do, and you end up living in a van DOWN BY THE RIVER! Thank you Chris Farley. One positive about the stoner: they tend to have lots of snack. One negative: they may eat all your snacks.

4. The Asshole Roommate

The Asshole roommate is very complex, but mostly just an asshole. They mess with your shit, eat your snacks, drink your beer, smoke your pot, report you to the RA for having beer and pot and then sleep with your girlfriend when she comes to visit. There is not a single good thing about the asshole. The asshole may even beat you up daily if you are a 5′5″ 110 lb little bitch of a man. In that case take steroids and proceed to rip him a new asshole. You never really figure out why your roommate is such an asshole. You think its because his Uncle Jeff touched him when he was a little kid, but you can only speculate. Maybe you slept with his mom one time and don’t remember it. Either way this guy is a douche bag and theres not much you can do. I suggest you get a new roommate. If you are a girl and have the asshole roommate, I’m assuming she does much of the same, but also steals your clothes, shoes, makeup, tampons, hangers, boyfriend, makes fun of you behind your back and then acts like it never happened. If you suspect your roommate to be an asshole, get a new one as soon as you can.

5. The Alcoholic Roommate

This roommate lives by the idea drink as much as you can as often as you can. At the beginning this roommate seems cool, fun loving, knows where all the parties are and whatnot. So you don’t mind the drinking on a Tuesday morning. You soon realize that this person puking all over your room then sleeping in it isn’t as funny the 18th time around. You’ve been written up twice because your roommate won’t shut the fuck up when you and your friends are playing beer pong in your room. Your roommate drinks at least 5 times a week and gets shit-faced each time. You have to clean up each time this person pisses the floor because they’re too drunk to do it. This person does let you drink their alcohol, so you tend to put up with their shit. When the end of the year comes around you are glad to be leaving this person so that you can sleep for more than 4 hours at a time and don’t wake up to the smell of piss, vomit and shitty beer. This person is a double-edged roommate. Be cautious when dealing with one.

6. The Fake Roommate

This roommate acts like he or she really likes you. They complement you on things all the time and are very appreciative you “changed the toilet paper.” In reality all this person does is bitch about you to his or her friends. They make fun of your pants, your desk set up, the photos of your friends, the TV shows you watch and the music you listen to. This person says you two should go party sometime, but tend to always be busy when you suggest it. You never say anything bad about them, but they talk shit about you without you ever knowing. Unfortunately for them, you will most likely encounter a mutual friend who proceeds to tell you about all the trash talking going on. You approach your roommate and they deny every claim. A week later they leave your room and move down the hall. It’s very awkward whenever you see this person, but you now have a single and don’t give a shit about him or her because they hooked up with a transvestite last weekend and have pictures to prove it. They won’t be doing anymore shit talking. This roommate turns out to be better than they seem, unless you are a pussy and get hurt by someone saying mean things.

7. The Idiot Roommate

If you get this roommate you are luckier than it seems. Sure your roomie doesn’t know how to work the a/c in your dorm, or can’t change the toilet paper rolls, or wears your underwear because he thought they were his. But he or she is a good person. They try to be a good roommate, don’t try to fuck with your shit, they just do, because having half as many braincells as the average person will do this to you. You are never quite sure how this person got into a 4-year university or how this person is still alive. The activities of this person usually involve playing in the street, playing catch the brick, reading “Breathing for Dummies,” and eating cheese out of a can. There are times when you will get fed up with how dumb this person is, which is completely understandable, but just try to remember your roommate could always have a name that consists of two vowels and a consonant. And we all know that is way worse.
8. The Loser Roommate

This roommate tends to sit around all day watching relatively crappy TV shows all day, playing Halo online, or watches YouTube. This person never goes out. Literally, Halo is more important than class to this person. Studying is put on hold if Scrubs is on. Going to party won’t happen if a person just found out about that goddamn “Shoes” video. This person rarely talks to you unless they are trying to explain a video they watched, or a sweet kill they got while playing Halo. There isn’t anything good to this roommate. You bring a girl over and he just sits around playing Halo. He offers her a chance to play and she then kills 20 people next round. He proceeds to get pissed off at you for bringing her over, and she leaves out of fear. Great, that was the only ass I could get for a month. Thanks a lot, loser roommate. This roommate tells you about all the cool shit he did back home and how he got with so many girls, and yet he has done nothing at college that would make you believe these statements. You have a sneaking suspicion he has never gotten with a girl even though he has had roughly 34 ex-girlfriends. He tells you he has done half of all known drugs. And claims to have beaten Super Mario Bros. 2 in 7 minutes. You soon get sick of his shit and start calling him out on everything. He then gets angry and breaks your shit, but replaces it for fear you, his only “friend” won’t talk to him anymore. Fuck this guy.

9. The “Pimp” Roommate

This guy gets a lot of girls. In high school you got with 2 girls at a party and thought you were the shit. This guy has sex with 2 girls at the same time at least 3 times a day. A new girl is in your room every night, and you see that tie on your door knob whenever you get back from the library. Out of fear of walking in on him you choose to sleep in the lounge rather than risk a trip to your room. You envy him. He has boyish good looks, six-pack abs, lots of money, a small penis, but still LOTS OF MONEY. You don’t mind living with him though. When you go to parties together you wingman for him and seem to get plenty of ass doing it, so you never complain about sleeping on a table. Everything is going well until that one day you notice love stains all over your bed, your clothes, your books, your Gamecube and your big black dildo. He claims he just spilled some orange juice, but you know the truth. You get back at him by hooking him up with a girl you know has herpes. So now every time he has an outbreak, he remembers he shouldn’t have fucked with your shit…literally.

10. The Perfect Roommate

This roommate seems like a myth to me, but I have heard it exists. This person genuinely like you and has many of the same interests as yourself. You go out to parties all the time, get high and watch Harold and Kumar: Go To White Castle, you watch 24 together every week and you eat dinner together every night. There is not a single flaw in this person. He or She will always let you get with that member of the opposite sex he or she likes because, fuck, they’re good like that. He or she gets you a birthday present that is better than what your parents got you (Although they just gave you a rolling backpack. Come on honestly, a rolling backpack? In college? Goddamnit). You room with this person every year you’re in college and even get an apartment with them after you graduate. They take you on a trip to Europe where you meet the girl you marry a few years later. This person becomes your best man/brides maid. They toast you at the reception and you do likewise for them. I’ve been told these people exist, but haven’t seen one myself. If you are lucky enough to get this person, FUCK YOU.

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This message probably only pertains to males, but I guess it could hold relevance for some females as well.
Have you ever been sitting there, either on your lonesome or with some friends, having a good ol’ time playing video games, when all of the sudden some asshole pops out of nowhere (probably inebriated) and says “Man, you dude(s) need to get a girlfriend!!” I’ve had friends (or so called friends), family members, and especially girls (who usually aren’t smart, but how many are?) say this crap to me.
Absolutely infuriating! So this little rant, along with “I hope you get eaten by a swarming horde of carnivorous narwhals,” is my response to assholes who say this shit. It may or may not be a poem, I have no idea. Poetry is over-rated and cliche, anyway. It’s more of a list. A pro-video game, anti-”get a girlfriend” list. Enjoy:

Mario never called me a jerk/ass/dick/insert generic feminin insult here.
Yoshi never lied to me.
Sonic never turned out to be a lesbian.
Link never told me I was “too immature.”
Samus never told me she could never see us in a relationship.
Captain Falcon never pretended to like me.
Donkey Kong never said “We’re too different.”
Pikachu never cheated on me.
Master Chief never nagged me.
Joanna Dark never got offended at meaningless jokes.
Fox McCloud never thought I was ugly.
Kerrigan never broke up with me because of another guy.
Bowser was never too good for me.
Solid Snake always called me back.
Megaman was never “too busy.”
Tommy Vercetti never got PMS.
Kirby never asked “Am I fat?”
Bomberman never cried about everything.
None of these guys were ever conceited, hypocritical, nonsensical, irrational, over-emotional, or questionably insane.
And every one of them was worth every minute I spent with them.

Disclaimer: I am deffinetly not against having a serious relationship with a girl, but this list embodies my opinion that sometimes (more like all the time), video games are more worth the effort than girls.

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Whatever happened to the high quality shows we (or at least I) used to watch as kids? Here is a list of what I recall being better than pretty much everything else:
(No particular order here)

1) TMNT: Who the HELL didn’t adore the Ninja Turtles beyond all comprehension? Even pussy ass girls who just watched girly shows liked TMNT (or at least I would have if I was a girl.) This show was the pinnacle of 90’s existence.

2)Power Rangers: Oh lawls, so what if it went out of popularity within a couple years, the Power Rangers were sweet. I don’t care who was your favorite assholes, so don’t tell me. They were a team, and a kick ass one at that. Not like TV shows now, where everyone exemplifies selfishness in the fullest.

3)Beast Wars: If you thought regular transformers were cool, these harbingers of death rocked out harder than…I don’t even know! Fuck trucks and other vehicles, animals are the best objects of transformation! Chee-tor, Rhinox, Rat Trap, and especially the most belligerent of them all, Dinobot, just made you want more.

4)Batman: No, Adam West can eat my shorts. I’m talking about the batman show that ran from about 92 to 95ish. It was dark, creepy, and a little bit too mature for kids back then, but dammit was that show good. Incredible writing, good voice acting, and everything an amazing show needed. Winning Emmy’s (or whatever TV awards are called) doesn’t hurt it’s reputation, either.

5)Dexter’s Lab: DDEEEEEEDEEEEEEE. I hated that bitch. And God only knows how Dexter got that profound English accent. But who cares? I still see re-runs of this every now and then on Cartoon Network, and it makes my naughty parts tingle. Speaking of, the shit they run on CN now is roughly equivalent to the least exciting stretches of late night infomercials (except Girls Gone Wild.)

6)The Adventures of Pete and Pete: Don’t recall too much about this, but I know it was obscure, and I know it was good. Extensive elaboration is unnecessary.

7)Andy Griffith: Too far back? Way too far back? Oh well, good show that supported good morals. And who doesn’t love the goofy antics of Don Knotts?

8)Scooby Doo: Rock my world. Entertaining, funny, and intense. You could NEVER guess who was the guy in the costume. And Daphne; what a babe! The fake, vapid beauty that TV perpetrates these days is nothing compared to that mound o’ curves. Whoa. Anyway, Scooby and Shaggy’s escapades never got tiring. And they never stopped eating! Gluttons.

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This note has been prompted by a seemingly harmless argument between two of my friends, and although it was mostly sarcastic, it reminded me of my intense loathing of around 96.7% of modern music. Allow me to elaborate:
Rap, if it can be deemed music at all, requires little but an elementary understanding of rhyming, and most of the time, rap artists manage to somehow even fail in that criteria. Overusing the terms and concepts of “hoes, bros, parties, clubs, 40’s, 20’s, drugs, sex, and ‘not giving a fuck’,” furthers the point that rap is all but entirely devoid of any shred of intelligence. Being able to play an instrument is also an integral facet of being a good musician, and to my knowledge, no rap or hip-hop artist plays, let alone knows, what a guitar, piano, or set of drums is.
“Emo” and other forms of alternative are equally disturbing and unsettling to think of as good music. The incessant screaming lends to nothing but a broken up series of crying bouts. “But Doug, Robert Plant and Paul McCartney used to scream a lot! Lawls!” OK asshole, but neither Plant nor McCartney’s screaming (nor any singer of the Era of Good Music, aka pre-1980’s) was 1)exponentially louder than the instruments, and 2) consisting of more than maybe 10% of their songs durations, unlike emo’s unrelenting 90-100%. Possessing lyrical content comprising nothing more than lamentations, sorrow, and heart-rending crying, which seems to be the premise of almost, if not all of, emo songs, additionally supports the point that this musical genre is devoid of variation, versatility, and originality.
All modern music can fall under the accusation of catering to current trends and demand, and I can’t fault artists for that, due to the intensity and prevalence of human greed. However, I CAN condemn them indirectly through criticizing society’s desire for unoriginal, repetitive, and bland musical content. Through my observations over the course of my life, and especially in college, I have been able to conclude that people listen to popular music for the ultimate purpose of social conformity. Why this occurs isn’t beyond me, and it shouldn’t befuddle anyone who has even a remote understanding of human social phenomena. However, I am just refuting the overly used rebuttal that things are good simply by the virtue that they are popular.

All in all, practically all music from the past 20 or so years is horse shit, perpetuated by the invention of the synthesizer and the disappearance of genuinely talented instrumentalists and musicians that it facilitated. If the music of today is truly as good as most people deem it, independent of popularity and conformity, and the test of time (as in people remembering fondly the music of today in 30 years proves me wrong, I guess then I will apologize for this criticism.

And if you get offended by this somewhat biases assault on the type of music you adore, you have my most sincere apologies. Oh wait, no you don’t.

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Another rant by me. What a surprise. This one actually has some relevance in today’s society, though. Here is the situation that prompted this one: We like to argue a lot in my group of friends here at school. A particular person like to use popularity to gauge and support how good something is. I think that is a very strong, intelligent point. Here’s why: (I know some of these may be somewhat inaccurate or under-stated, but you get the point.)

In the 1940’s in Germany, it was popular to kill Jews, and in Russia it was popular to kill people to industrialize the country.

For several centuries in America, it was popular to have slaves, and start wars if people threatened to take them away.

For thousands of years in Meso and South America (and, at that, the rest of the world), it was popular to sacrifice people for religion.

In the medieval ages, it was popular for European Catholics to board ships, sail several thousand miles, and brave the desert just to die at the hands of Muslims.

During the 1200’s and1300’s, it was popular for Mongolians to become warriors and slaughter everything in their path in the name of conquest.

In in the 1500’s (and subsequent centuries) it was popular in Spain and other European nations to conquer or kill millions of Native Americans in order to get gold.

For several centuries in Rome, it was popular to capture people of non-Roman religions and culture and use them as amusements/tiger bait/pin-cushions in the Colosseum.

That’s just a few examples. So the next time someone (Lopez) says something like asshole soccer is good because it’s popular, there are now sufficient counter examples to 1) discredit that stupid argument, and 2) warrant that person’s immolation and subsequent attack by Bobba Fett.

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In light of recent events, of whom the participants will remain nameless, I have come to a very significant conclusion about myself, especially in relation to other people. “What is this revelation?” you ask. It’s something along these lines:

I am drastically, exponentially, and severely better than any girl I will ever consider involving myself with, or any girl I will ever meet for that matter. I am also that much better than any guy could hope to be at life, if not just in the context of relationships or inter-gender interactions. Why my blatant and extreme arrogance? Here’s just a couple of the insurmountable reasons:

1. You all may think “Whoa, Doug is a jerk! He is such a meanie and a smart ass.!” Yes, you caught me: I am a sarcastic bastard who is overly abrasive in everyday conversation. First, it’s in jest: get a sense of humor. It might even be a little truthful. Second: it isn’t that big of a deal. Empty insults in a stupid conversation are nothing compared to some of the moral debacles I’ve seen some (most) people (especially girls) pull as of late. Ask anyone that truly knows me: the extent of my personal shortcomings is my sarcasm. Most people can top that without even a second of hesitation. But yeah, I’m an asshole for jokingly calling some chick “fat.”

2. Wanton Sex: No, “wanton” is not the fucking Chinese roll or whatever the hell those things are. It means people have sex without any restraint whatsoever. Even relationships are apparently no barrier for fornication these days. I don’t have sex, and I pride myself on that. A lot is said about a person if they will just jump into the sack with anyone: especially that they are incredibly vapid. And please don’t read this and say “Hey man! I don’t just bang anyone I meet!!” Oh really? I don’t believe you shallow bastards at all. Restraint and respect for someone else (like not getting girls drunk in order to take advantage of them) is hard to find these days, and yes, I think I am that much better for exercising those traits. A good deal of people wouldn’t think twice about cheating on their current boyfriend or girlfriend: That’s something I could never do, due to moral values. Another fucking point for me.

3. Rationality: I can become emotional and illogical at times. However, my most abysmally low points of irrationality don’t even come close to the borderline insanity I’ve seen females capable of. The most absurd thing guys do is go to incredibly lengths to get laid, but again, I don’t do that, so I get a double score for this one.

4. Respect: Again, my sarcasm doesn’t even scratch the surface of disrespect most people exhibit. I have seen copious accounts of people, especially those damn girls again, lead people who are interested in them around, on a metaphoric
wild goose chase, sometimes for the sole purpose of kicks. Or, although I don’t know anyone who this has ever happened to (at all, no one), how about this pinnacle of moral excellence: Feigning interest and romantic infatuation in someone in order to get back at someone else. Yeah; it’s deplorable. But you all have done it. I haven’t. Scoreboard, bitch.

5. Genuine Feelings: Yeah, I guess I’ll sound pretty ridiculous in this section, oh well. Here is my point though: Witnessing hundreds of relationships and interacting with hundreds of girls (although only a few seriously) throughout my life, I have realized one paramount concept: Very few, if any, relationships are based on actual romantic feeling. Sex, money, and big one for girls I will never understand, extreme and undivided attention, are all more attributable to motivation for relationships than genuine love. This brings me to the point that, while I could be wrong (I’m not), I honestly don’t think any girl is capable of reciprocating, let alone possessing, the love I know myself capable of. I can only hope that I’m dead wrong in this, but girls thus far have proven me infallibly correct.

In the end, I stand by my conclusion: I’m way too good for anyone, especially girls. Maybe if a couple ever decide to grow beyond a eighth grade maturity level, things will change. Until then, keep being shallow! Awesome.

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There are many proverbial, wise sayings that people use in every day speech. Some are relevant, some are intelligent, some are very applicable. However, most are downright retarded. Here are some of my most-loathed sayings:

1. “Well, that’s the pot calling the kettle black.” Pots can’t talk, asshole.

2. “Killed two birds with one stone.” I can understand this one a little, but there are better analogies than relating something to the meaningless, inhuman slaughter of swell animals with Surface-to-Air Rocks.

3. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” Fuck horses.

4. “A watched pot never boils.” Again with the pots. So, what you are trying to explain is that water loses its heat-retaining properties under the watch of the human eye? I guess I should have taken college physics, after all.

5. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” Oh really? Is it that atrocious for an impoverished, destitute person to expect a little altruism?

6. “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” My all time favorite. This has got to be the dumbest fucking thing anyone has ever said. It’s basically saying “You can’t have your oxygen and breathe it, too.” The entire purpose of a cake is too eat it; what’s the point of having a cake if you can’t eat it? I’ve killed every person that even knows anyone that has said this.

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A clear symptom of mental degradation: being up at 4:00 AM, writing facebook notes and listening to Air Supply. Sweet.

For most of this year, the three girls that live across the courtyard from my room have kept their shades up for most of the time; and for some of this time they even walk around in nothing but underwear. While I have to admit this does make me feel like something of a pervert, it also reminds me of how utterly incapable of my relationship skills and my history of deplorable, demoralizing loneliness. I’ll get over that, though.

What I wont get over is the first time I actually met one of the girls, which was earlier tonight. I suppose it is mostly my fault for letting the image of these pure, tempered girls be perpetuated in my mind. Hopeless romanticism aside, I think I had fallen into a blissful, yet very ignorant sort of love with these girls. Especially the shorter one with long, blondish-brown in that style that I love so much where it starts straight, and is curled at the bottom. I enjoy thinking of myself as veritable bastion of emotional depth, whose willpower and morality supersedes instinct, but whenever I looked at this girl, I thought “Wow, there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do to her” (Yes, murder is an exclusion.)

And then I met her. Chalk up another victory for “Drunken girl who manages to destroy any vestige of extrinsic, and even intrinsic, attractiveness she managed to possess prior to our meeting.” I should have just rejected the interaction, and left our relationship to the beautiful, albeit incredibly superficial and artificial, thing it was in my imagination.

And then I realized why I never interact with girls.

And then I realized why I’m sitting here at four in the fucking morning, alone, writing a facebook note with horrible syntax that maybe 2 people will read.

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Everyone here at LUC knows of what I speak. That insufferable destructive force that is immortal as it is prevalent. That unutterable danger that lurks in the deepest, most remote recesses of everyone’s heart:

Fatties.

As of 2006, fat chicks have destroyed more erections than Meatspin, Goatse, and Tubgirl combined (Stephen Hawking; Scientific Journal.) More devastating to food stores than a plague of locusts, these monstrous abominations consume and slowly digest everything edible (and some things inedible) in their over-sized paths. The subject of many a joke and disgusting conversation during meals in the Simpson cafeteria, fat chicks not only erase any chance of getting a boner that night, they also eat every last ice cream topping or decent food morsel in the entire fucking lunchroom.

I wouldn’t have a problem with fat girls if they didn’t have their inane, “whoa-is-me” state of mind. Self-pity about weight and indiscriminate ingestion are indeed mutually exclusive. You can’t say “I wish I wasn’t so fat,” and then eat three helpings of ice cream, two “healthy chicken wraps,” and salad with pork fat dressing.

Maybe I’m ignorant in my position, due to the paragon of physical excellence that is my hot teen bod. However, I refuse to empathize with fat girls (fat guys are fat because guys eat copiously in their utter apathy, which is different than fat girls) because they have the ability to change themselves, but their irrevocable lethargy conquers their willpower (which is low in the first place.)

So, next time you are a fat chick, eat some cyanide, or embrace it and enjoy the incomparable joy that is food (except Simpson food.)

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